Last night Sawyer asked me a question I’ve been waiting for since we first told him about his autism diagnosis. And even though I’ve been waiting for this question since he was 9 years old, I still didn’t really know how to explain it to him.

Sawyer: Momma, why do some kids in a family have autism and some don’t?
Me: Well…. I don’t know, buddy. Nobody knows yet. Some people think autism is caused by getting shots when you’re a baby, but some people think it’s genetic- that it just runs in the family, like diabetes or heart problems. I tend to think it’s genetic because I have friends who have more than one autistic child, and in those cases, one was given shots and the other one wasn’t. So I think it runs in people’s families.
Sawyer: So that means either you or dad has autism.
Me: Maybe. I’m not sure; I’ve never been tested for autism. But I took a test once online and it said I didn’t have a high possibility of having it, so I don’t know.
Sawyer: Does Dad have autism?
Me: Not that I know of. He does have ADHD, though, which has a lot of symptoms in common with autism. So who knows… he might be autistic. Emmy thinks she may have autism; she’s taken a couple of tests online to see, but she hasn’t talked to a doctor about it or anything. And you know you have cousins that have autism, too.

At that point, he got quiet, so I looked at Sawyer and noticed the look he gets on his face when he’s thinking hard about something.

Me: What brought this conversation on, bud?
Sawyer: I was just thinking.
Me: Ok… Would it make you feel better about your autism if someone else in our immediate family had it, too?
Sawyer: I don’t know.
Me: Do you like having autism, or do you wish you didn’t have it?
Sawyer: Sometimes I like it, and sometimes I don’t.
Me: What do you like about having autism?
Sawyer: I like making friends with other kids who are autistic.

He didn’t have to say it, but I know Sawyer is really feeling his differences lately. He worried that he kids here in Tennessee wouldn’t like him, or that they’d make fun of him for being different. From the time Sawyer started school, he has struggled to fit in. The other kids in his classes have been nice to him most of the time, but we’ve still experienced our share of bullying and mean comments about his stimming and meltdowns. At his new school, there are more special needs kids here, and the other students seem to accept them for their differences, which has been so refreshing. Sawyer has been making friends and even though he’s still struggling to keep up with the faster pace of this new school, it’s been such a relief to me that his peers understand and accept him for who he is, and don’t make fun of him for getting upset in class or needing extra help, but Sawyer still gets embarrassed when the other kids see him crying out of frustration, or when he gets in trouble for having an outburst. He has an online friend he met through Roblox who also has autism, and he gets really excited when he talks to me about conversations he’s had with this boy, who is 12. I can tell he loves having a friend who “gets” him, which is so sweet.

Last night Sawyer tripped over the step into our kitchen. Parts of our house are kinda like split-level or something, and if you’re not paying attention it’s easy to stub a toe or trip when walking into certain rooms. When he tripped, I heard him fall and ran to check on him. Normally, Sawyer might scream out of anger or start crying and take a long time to stop. However, last night he simply banged his fist on the floor and cried quietly for a few minutes. After he calmed down, I told him I was really proud that he didn’t scream this time, and that I could tell he was working hard to calm himself down. He nodded and told me he’s been working on being more calm when he’s upset, which was super exciting to me- this is something we’ve been working on with his counselor, so that tells me the counseling sessions are helping. YAY! His counselor will be very proud to hear this progress during our next session!

The middle school years are hard enough on kids without the added difficulties that autism can bring. I don’t know why Sawyer was born with autism, and I don’t know that we’ll ever get the answer for what causes autism spectrum disorder in my lifetime, but I know that we, in our family, love Sawyer’s differences- they’re part of what makes him who he is. I made sure to tell him this last night. I pointed out to him the things that are different about him that I love most, such as the way he can see and sense when one of us in our family is upset and will do things on his own to try to help us feel better, such as giving unprompted hugs and cuddles, or bringing us a favorite snack from the kitchen. I told him I used to love watching him play with his toys when he was a baby because while his sisters might play pretend with a toy, he was busy studying the toy itself- examining the way the parts moved and how they looked in the light. I told him I love how incredibly smart he is and how much it impresses me that he started building his own Roblox games when he was just 8 years old, and told him “You never know, bud- you might end up creating the world’s next big app or game someday!” To which he replied “That would be cool! Maybe I could get a lot of money, and I could give you some.” I laughed, and told him “That’s another reason I love you so much, buddy- you are so sweet for wanting to share all the time!”

He didn’t say much after that, but the sweet smile on his lips said it all… I made him feel a little better about his differences, even if only for a little while. And that was the goal.