This morning, I saw a Facebook post from my friends over at Three Little Birds that absolutely made my blood boil:

Someone called her sweet son a retard because he was wearing noise-cancelling headphones- not earmuffs.

The word “retard” means “to make slow; delay the development or progress of (an action, process, etc.); hinder or impede” (thank you, Dictionary.com). When I was a kid growing up in the 80’s and 90’s, people who were disabled were usually called “retarded”. Growing up, the r word was the go-to insult for calling someone “stupid”; you called them “a retard”. I admit that I used it, too; I think most people my age have used the r word to insult someone at least once. 

However… maturity means growing and changing. When I was a kid, I didn’t realize the cruel meaning behind using the word ‘retard’ to make fun of someone. More importantly, I was never told not to use that word. My parents were wonderful people, but their generation was not known for being politically correct. My parents worked hard to teach my siblings and me that we should treat others how we would want to be treated, and they taught my sister and me not to make fun of people who were disabled, but never stopped us from using the r word as an insult. It wasn’t until I was an adult and I could understand the full connotations of using that word that I realized it was not cool to use that word to describe something or someone. I stopped using the r word in the mid 2000’s.

First of all, disabled people are not called “ retarded” anymore. The term used by most doctors now is just “disabled” or “differently abled”. In today’s world, we’ve come a long way in terms of inclusivity and trying to celebrate differences; we still have a long way to go, but DEI efforts have brought us a long way from where we were just 10 years ago.

And then Sawyer came along, and let me tell you from experience… Nothing changes your perspective about something faster than realizing that it might hurt you or your loved ones. When Sawyer was diagnosed with autism, suddenly my eyes were opened to a lot of things I’d never truly paid attention to before. It was heartbreaking to realize that someday someone might use that word to describe him, or someone like him; that’s when I finally had the full understanding of why the r word needs to be deleted from the English language. I talked to the girls about it and the very idea that someone would talk about their brother like that made them so mad. They hadn’t really ever used the r word to begin with, but suddenly we all had perfect clarity about how hurtful that word could be when used in certain ways. So the day Emily’s principal called to tell me she’d gotten in trouble for punching a boy on the bus who kept calling an autistic student the r word, I simply smiled and said “Ok, thanks for letting me know. I’ll talk to her when she gets home.” When Emily got home, I high fived her and told her I was proud of her for standing up for that boy. 

We are supposed to learn from our past mistakes and use it to be a better person going forward. In 2025, nobody should be using the r word anymore. I don’t care if you are just kidding around with someone, using it to describe a thing or situation, or whatever other excuse you may give; it’s not ok. People get “cancelled” these days for using the n word; why isn’t it the same for the r word? I admit it… I’ve slipped a couple of times out of old habits, but I beat myself up for it when I do. It’s hate speech, pure and simple.

I realize people that don’t have someone with special needs in their life probably don’t think about why the r word is so offensive, and I totally get it. Growing up, I had a great aunt who had special needs, but I didn’t realize that by calling someone a retard, I was making fun of someone like her. Now as a special needs mom, not only does that realization sink in, but I feel it in my soul when someone uses the r word in front of me, and I felt the anger flashing through me when I saw that comment on my friend’s Facebook post. When I hear someone use that word, it literally makes me bristle, and I’m not usually shy to tell someone they shouldn’t say it. Most people I associate with these days don’t use the r word anymore out of common sense, but on the rare occasion that a friend, family member, or coworker says it in front of me without immediate remorse or embarrassment, I’m quick to ask them not to use it anymore in my presence. Of course, I’d prefer if they’d stop using it altogether, but I can’t force people to do that. And of course, anyone who knows my son is disabled and still uses that word unapologetically is no longer allowed in my life. If you’re an adult who uses the r word, you’re not ignorant; you know exactly what you’re implying when you say something is retarded and you don’t care if it offends me or others. That’s hella disrespectful and ugly, and I won’t allow it in my life. Period. 

Sawyer has encountered a few people throughout his life who have mocked him for his disability. They’ve called him the r word, or they’ve made fun of his speech problems he had when he was little, or how he stims. Of course, it hurts his feelings deeply, and for a long time he would get really upset over it. I’ve talked to him about this many times, and I think I finally made him understand that people who use that word do it for two reasons: they’re either a mean person or they just don’t know any better, and you can usually tell which one. If they’re mean, we remove ourselves from the situation, and if they don’t know better, we politely educate them.

As a society, we have to do better. We have to teach our children, family, and friends that using the word “retard” to diss somebody is not ok- not in our presence or out of it. We have to stop tolerating injustice and disrespect of those who are different. It’s never ok or funny to mock someone for something they have no control over, whether it be race, sexual orientation, disability, or something else. I didn’t understand this when I was younger, but I do now and I am passionate about helping others understand too.

And to those people out there who make comments like the one on my friend’s post? I will pray for your hateful heart, and I hope you have the day you deserve. ♥