The last few weeks in our house have been hard, y’all.
Trigger warning: This post will discuss self harm.
I’ve written before about how hard change can be for Sawyer; he is very much a child that thrives on routine and sameness, and any little change to his everyday routine can be enough to send him into a tailspin. Lately there have been a lot of changes going on in his world, and it has caused a lot of dark, heavy days for our family.
One new development is that Sawyer has started to have issues with his ears getting hot. I’ve talked to his doctor about this, and we can’t find a reason for why this happens. I’ve mentioned it to others and I have found a couple of other people who have this issue as well, and there doesn’t seem to be a real explanation for it. When his ears get hot, it sends Sawyer into sensory overload; he absolutely cannot handle it and he gets super angry and upset. With his SPD, certain sensory stimuli can be uncomfortable or even downright painful for him when it doesn’t bother someone else; apparently his ears being hot is a big trigger for him. We try putting cold compresses or cold things like bottles of water or a can of soda against them, but it doesn’t help him much.
When Sawyer was really little- back when he was still considered to be mostly non-verbal- he would bang his head against the wall or run into things to hurt himself when he got upset. That phase didn’t last long, thankfully, but it was definitely traumatic to watch my sweet baby boy run full force into kitchen counters or walls on purpose; I was always terrified he was going to give himself a concussion. As Sawyer has gotten older, he hasn’t exhibited many self-harm tendencies outside of occasionally smacking himself upside the head when he got frustrated if he couldn’t do something. When this happens, I always stop him and explain that he can hit a pillow or something if he needs to, but that he can’t do anything to hurt himself or someone else when he’s upset. However, within the last few months he has started punching himself in the face when he gets upset, as well as scratching his arms up. I don’t think I need to tell you how upsetting this can be to watch for those around him. Y’all know that Sawyer recently stood in front of a group of his peers and apologized for being alive. Since then he has made other comments similar to that one, and it definitely has me worried sick for my son. He had started therapy here in Missouri, but now that we’re moving I’m in the process of finding another therapist for him. In the meantime, I have been stressing hard over Sawyer’s mental and physical well-being.
We recently had a death in the family. My dad’s last living brother passed away, and we were very close to him so we traveled to Tennessee for his funeral. He and my dad looked a lot alike, too, so seeing my uncle in the casket was really hard and sad for Sawyer. He told me it reminded him of his Papaw, and he got really upset. A couple of other things had happened that morning to upset him, too, and during the funeral, Sawyer got overwhelmed and had to be taken out of the service. The first time, I took him outside for a few minutes to try to calm down. I hugged him tight and talked him down from the edge of a meltdown, and he told me he wanted to try to go back in, so we did, but after a few minutes he started rocking back and forth and twitching. At that point, Emily told me to stay for the service and she took Sawyer out to our car to calm down. While in the car, Emily sent me pictures of Sawyer’s arms, showing me that he had been scratching himself and trying to draw blood. Eventually we got him calmed down and after some food and laughs with the family, he felt much better, but the whole weekend was an emotional rollercoaster. He had another couple of hard moments during that trip, too, and the entire weekend, I was sick to my stomach with worry. I didn’t know what to do to help him.
Today is Sawyer’s last day of school here in Missouri. While Sawyer is more excited than he was before about the move to Tennessee, he’s also very sad to be leaving his friends here and school. He truly loves it here, so he’s worried he’s going to hate his new school, that his teachers won’t be as warm and understanding toward him, and that he’s going to get bullied. He’s been filled with so much anxiety and fear lately, and it breaks my heart to see the sadness in his eyes. I’ve assured him that if he has any problems with kids or teachers at his new school, we will handle it together just like we have when he’s had issues here in Missouri, but he still worries so much. I am praying so hard that he will love his new school and that he’ll make a lot of new friends pretty quickly there.
We’ve had a lot of long talks about his feelings surrounding this move, and my heart hurts for him. He keeps asking if we can move back to Missouri as soon as Caitlyn graduates, and I tell him “We’ll see, buddy”. I would give anything to be able to wave a magic wand and take his fears away, but unfortunately I can’t do that. I am trying to do everything I can to make this transition as easy as possible on him and help him focus on the good in his life, but as is common with those on the autism spectrum, Sawyer has trouble focusing on the positive. Anxiety and depression are very common beasts in people with autism, and with the self harm behaviors Sawyer has been showing, I think it’s time to do something I’ve been putting off because he’s so young: I think it’s time to medicate Sawyer.
I have discussed Sawyer’s anxiety with his doctor before, and we have talked about medication. However, at the time, I didn’t feel comfortable with having to put a child so young on medicine like that. We have tried traditional therapy, as well as practice breathing techniques and sensory methods to help, but things only seem to be getting worse. As I think more about how Sawyer’s life has been over the past year and how difficult it is for him to get through the day without a meltdown sometimes, I am looking into more and more ways to help him manage his anxiety and avoid any more self harm behavior; I’m looking into therapists that specialize in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but also looking into medications that may help ease his anxiety and stress. The thought of having to medicate my child so early makes me nervous, but I want to help him in any way I can; if medicine can help him when other things have failed, I’m ready to try it.
There are lots of medications out there that have been proven helpful for those on the autism spectrum. I am no doctor, but I have done my research and I have some ideas for what I’d like to try with Sawyer. It’s controversial, but medical marijuana (CBD oil) is actually one of the things I’d want to try with him, because it’s natural and has been proven to be extremely helpful for those on the spectrum. However, I’m also looking into other options, such as anti-anxiety drugs like Xanax or Prozac.
With the move and everything happening right now, this Christmas season has been weird in our house. Since we’re moving so fast after Christmas, we opted not to put up the tree and a lot of the house is currently boxed up. It doesn’t really feel much like Christmas, but we are doing what we can to make it a little merrier. Last night we watched “Home Alone” (one of our favorites!) and tonight I think we’ll watch “Home Alone 2” and make some popcorn with our popcorn maker. With today being Sawyer’s last day at school, something tells me he’s going to be in need of some comfort tonight.
If you pray, please pray for Sawyer and for our family. This has been a hard season for us, and we could all use some comfort and encouragement. I pray that you and your family have a very Merry Christmas and happy and blessed holiday season, no matter how you celebrate. ♥
