Just a few weeks ago, I thought Sawyer was thriving and loving 6th grade. I now know that isn’t the case, and my heart is broken for my son. 

The moment Sawyer was diagnosed with autism, I knew that life would be much different for him than it was for his sisters. I had friends with children on the spectrum, so I knew what to expect in some ways. I knew that he would be different from other kids his age, and would probably have trouble making friends. I knew that he would be seen as “the weird kid”, because his behaviors and interests are very different from most of his peers, and being different is usually seen as “weird”. 

From the moment I first noticed that Sawyer had some delays, I began to pray hard for his future. As mothers, we always pray for our children, but when you realize that your child has challenges, those prayers become louder and more urgent. I noticed from an early age that Sawyer had trouble making friends. When he was really little, he always seemed to be “in his own world”, and didn’t show much interest in playing with other kids around him. Sawyer first started showing signs of a delay at 9 months old. By the time he was 15 months old, he still wasn’t walking or talking. When Sawyer was diagnosed with autism at 20 months, the doctors and specialists who evaluated him told me that his mental capacity seemed to be on par with a child of about 8-9 months old. Physically he was developing pretty normally, with only mild mobility issues, but mentally, he was severely delayed. Even after he did start trying to interact with other kids around him, he didn’t really know how to approach them. I’ve had to coach him on how to talk to and interact with other kids because he doesn’t have the social skills that most people develop in their lives.

Knowing that your child is delayed puts a fear in your heart that no parent should ever have to feel. After all, I was a kid once and I know how mean kids can be to those who are different- I was one of those mean kids at one point in my life. Watching Sawyer grow and develop over the years, though, gave me hope; with the help of the extensive therapy programs we put him in, he started to slowly close the gap between himself and his peers. He began to show less and less of a mobile delay, and with his amazing speech therapists he began talking at the age of 4 and hasn’t slowed down since. By the time Sawyer moved to 4th grade, he no longer needed remedial classes to help him keep up with his peers, and my heart soared. Maybe he wouldn’t be that far “behind” the other kids in his grade. Maybe he’d catch up and he wouldn’t seem that different to the other kids. Maybe he wouldn’t be singled out or made fun of because he was a little different.

However, Sawyer is very different from his classmates. While he has no trouble keeping up academically, at 11 years old he loves shows like Bluey and Sesame Street. He loves basketball, but his brain doesn’t process the rules of the game or the action going on around him as fast as others when he tries to play, and physically he has trouble keeping up because he runs on his tip toes and prefers to skip rather than sprint. Because those on the autism spectrum have trouble deciphering sarcasm (they are very literal thinkers), Sawyer often can’t tell when people are joking around with him. Typical horseplay with the boys in his grade may leave him feeling like he’s being bullied, even if the intent to bully him wasn’t there. 

Sawyer is different, and the kids in his grade know this. They’ve witnessed his emotional outbursts when he gets overwhelmed or upset, and they know he likes a lot of things that younger kids are into. They know he’s not the best at sports. Most of the time, his classmates are very understanding and accepting, and they try to help him. However, they’re kids, and there will always be a few who don’t understand or don’t care that he can’t help being different, and those are the kids who yell “Easy out!” when he gets up to kick during kickball, or call him “stupid” or a baby because he likes Bluey or Numberblocks. 

Sawyer has been made fun of for the things he likes, how he runs and skips, and how he talks. He hasn’t had a speech impediment since he was probably in 1st grade, but kids still mock the way he used to talk, before he could pronounce consonant sounds and it was difficult to understand him. I’ve watched with my own eyes as kids refuse to wave back at him when he sees them at school or public events, and I’ve seen groups of kids flat out ignore him when he asked to join in on a game. I’ve heard kids saying “No, don’t let him play! He’s weird” when they didn’t realize his mom was right there behind them. In the instances where I knew their parents, I haven’t been shy to reach out and ask them to talk to their kids about the importance of inclusion for kids like Sawyer. But I don’t always know the parents, and sometimes parents can talk ‘til they’re blue in the face and kids are still gonna be mean; unfortunately we can’t control everything our kids do once they’re out of our sight. I know these are just kids, but sometimes I have to ask God for forgiveness for the anger I feel toward them when I witness my child being left out of things on purpose, or when I hear of kids picking on him.

I am not one of these parents who screams “bully” every time a kid does something ornery. I have had long talks with my kids- all three of them- about the difference in being picked at and being picked on. I’ve explained that just because someone picks at you doesn’t mean you’re being bullied- that if someone does something to you one time, they’re just picking at you, but if it’s ongoing, it’s picking on you and that is bullying. 

This school year Sawyer has had problems with people stealing his pencils off his desk; it’s happened on 3 separate occasions now. Some of the boys have started hitting his backpack when he’s wearing it, in an attempt to knock him off balance or make him fall down. They body check him in the halls and “accidentally” knock him into the walls or lockers, and call him names like “stupid” or “nerd”, or even the dreaded R word. Last year, we had incidents with kids putting his jacket or his beanie in the trash can, or “accidentally” spilling soda all over his backpack. Sawyer’s not stupid; he might be a little delayed, but he can recognize when people are targeting him, and he knows he’s being bullied. 

Yesterday, my son stood up in front of a classroom of his peers and apologized for being alive. That raised enough concern with the teachers in the classroom to report it to the school counselor, who reached out to me to let me know what happened. I had a very long talk with Sawyer last night about why he would say that and why he feels that way, and he told me everything. I didn’t know about the incidents with his backpack or in the hallways until yesterday, and the look in his eyes as he told me what has been going on was heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. He told me other kids had witnessed the bullying and not done anything about it, and that he had talked to some of his friends about how it made him feel and they told him there was a “no snitching” rule and that “snitches get stitches”, so he was afraid to tell a teacher or the principal. My son used to love to go to school; now he dreads it, and has even begged me to homeschool him. Recently, Sawyer told me that he wishes he was in Heaven, because “nobody gets bullied in Heaven”. As a mother, I cannot find the words to fully explain how it felt to hear my 11-year-old son say those words. It’s heart-shattering and terrifying, and it’s a feeling no parent should ever have to feel. 

I know that all kids get picked on now and then, and not all kids who deal with bullying have special needs. But did you know that one study shows that 60% of students with disabilities report being bullied regularly compared with 25% of all students? A study published in Autism Research found that adolescents on the autism spectrum who were bulled were twice as likely as peers to develop suicidal tendencies over time, and in 44% of adolescents who reported bullying early in the study expressed suicidal thoughts or behaviors in their follow-up assessment. According to Bully Free World by Autism Speaks, only 10 U.S. studies have been conducted on the connection between bullying and developmental disabilities but all of these studies found that children with disabilities were two to three times more likely to be bullied than their nondisabled peers.

Over the years, I have pleaded with God to protect Sawyer from people who might treat him ugly because he is different. I’ve asked God to send Sawyer friends who would love and accept him, and not care that he wasn’t like the other kids his age, and to stand up for him and have his back when others are being mean to him. I’ve tried to teach Sawyer to stand up for himself, but he’s too soft-hearted; he doesn’t like having to be ugly to people, and he’s not aggressive. There are a couple of kids who do protect and stand up for Sawyer, but for the most part, kids would rather look the other way and not get involved. I get it; most kids don’t want to stand out for going against the crowd. They want to do what’s popular and “cool”, and it’s not “cool” to be friends with the weird kid. I am so deeply thankful for the few kids who haven’t been afraid to be Sawyer’s friend; those kids are my answered prayers and they have no idea. 

I hope you never have to wonder if your child will have someone to sit by and talk to on the bus. I hope you never have to feel sad because your child wasn’t invited or included in something they wanted to do. I hope you never have to worry about your kid being pushed down in the hall or made fun of for how they talk or what TV show they like best. I hope you never have to feel what I felt as my son told he would rather be in Heaven than to be here. Because I’m telling you that there aren’t enough words to express what that feels like, and what it does to your family. Because it’s not just parents of special needs kids who have these worries and prayers- siblings have them, too. Ask any sibling of a special needs child how being a sibling to someone with special needs has affected them; I’m sure you would be heartbroken to hear how fast they had to grow up because watching how the world treats their sibling made them realize that they had to be there to help protect and take care of them. And as a parent, it’s hard to realize that your other children were forced to grow up too fast because of being part of a special needs family. There’s a lot of guilt and sadness in feeling like your children were robbed of a “normal” childhood because they are worrying about their sibling almost as much as their parents do. If you’ve never had to experience these worries or fears or prayed these kinds of prayers over your child, I’m happy for you. More than that, I envy you. I envy you like Sawyer envies the kids who fit in and always get invited to birthday parties and don’t get picked on for liking their favorite TV show. 

I feel like I am constantly begging for autism acceptance, autism awareness, and inclusion for those like Sawyer. I write about it here on my blog, I preach it on my social media accounts, and talk about it to anyone who will listen. I’m sure people probably get tired of me talking about autism and special needs and awareness, but I can’t and won’t stop. I can’t stop because my son would rather be in Heaven, and thinks he should apologize for being alive, because he is bullied for being different. Despite everything I’ve done, despite everything the staff at our schools have done, despite parents talking to their children about why Sawyer is different… My son is still being picked on for being autistic- something he can’t help. So for Sawyer and all the people out there like him, I cannot and will not stop preaching and advocating for acceptance, awareness, and inclusion.