Sawyer got his middle school schedule today, and tonight we are going to shop online for his school supplies. He already got a new, “cool” backpack and new school clothes, too. He’s in that weird middle area where he’s too big for kids’ clothes, but not quite big enough for men’s clothes yet. This year, instead of The Childrens’ Place, we shopped at Old Navy; my little guy is growing up.
Sawyer will go to the same middle and high school that I did. Our school district is fairly small, and our middle school building is connected to our high school building. To me, that building holds a lot of memories and comfort from a time when life was much simpler. To Sawyer, that building is unfamiliar and massive, and the kids are all bigger than he is. For some of his classes, he will have to navigate through the halls of the high school through a sea of high school students and teachers. Understandably, Sawyer is very nervous to start school this year.
He told me he’s scared that the “big kids” will bully him. As one of the smallest ones in his grade, his anxiety has been eating him up the last few months, and even though I told him several of his classmates feel the same way and they will all have each other, he is still scared of starting middle school and being around kids who are so much bigger than he is. To be honest, I’m afraid of that, too. I know Sawyer has friends and most of the kids love and accept him, but I also know how mean kids can be, and how peer pressure will make even normally sweet and well-behaved kids do some truly cruel things. I pray every day for him- that his classmates and friends will look out for him and that his teachers will help watch over him. I’m sure that’s almost every mama’s prayer for her children, but special needs moms know that we pray that prayer with just a little more urgency than most.
Sawyer has been lucky so far to have always had a family member in the same building with him. My sister is a teacher’s aid in the elementary school Sawyer has been going to for the last 5 years, so even after Caitlyn moved to middle school he still had his Aunt Cassie there. It was comforting to Sawyer (and to me) that my sister was always close by, and both he and the teachers have relied on my sister to help when he got upset or overstimulated, and to give insight about why Sawyer does some of the things he does. Autism comes with a lot of behaviors that aren’t normal to most, and no two autistic children are exactly alike, so my sister has helped a lot of the school staff to understand and help Sawyer through the years. This will be the first year Sawyer doesn’t have one of “us” there with him, and even though I know our school has an amazing staff (a lot of whom I grew up with and know very well), I am still so nervous to send him off “alone” this year. Will Sawyer’s teachers be able to spot the signs of him getting overwhelmed before it’s too late and he has a meltdown? Will Sawyer be able to control his temper and emotions if he loses a game in PE or doesn’t make a good grade on an assignment? And who will be able to help calm him down when the ones who know him the best aren’t around? Sawyer is a sensitive soul; he doesn’t respond well to “tough love”, and that is often the approach when kids get to middle school. They’re not babies anymore, after all.
This will be a hard year for Sawyer. He doesn’t adapt to change very well, and he has a lot of trouble regulating his emotions- which is only going to get harder as he grows and puberty complicates things. As his mother, I’ve been talking to him about the changes he is already starting to experience, and through this summer his dad, step-mom, and I have started working on granting him a little more independence. It’s tricky; I know exactly how much independence I granted his sisters at his age, but their minds at 11 were very different than his. Sawyer is very smart and responsible, though, so I am trying to “loosen the reins” a little bit, as my dad would have said, and trust him with more. I’m trying to stop babying him so much and toughen my soft-hearted boy up a little to guard him from the world around him. My anxiety makes it so hard sometimes, but I am trying, contrary to what some around me may think. 😉
I promised Sawyer we will go to Open House this year and I’ll walk with him to show him where all his classes are and introduce him to his teachers; I’m hoping once he sees it he’ll realize it’s really not as big and bad as he was expecting. Once I can see a little of the confidence back in his eyes, I will be able to relax a little bit and trust that it’s all going to be ok.
