Lately Sawyer has begun to go through some changes.

I knew this was coming, and I’ve thought many times over the years how I’d cross certain bridges when we got to them, but I’m still at a loss on how to handle this. No mama is ever ready for her babies to grow up.

It wasn’t hard with my girls… I was a young girl once, too, so I was able to explain things to them pretty well, and what I didn’t know how to explain, I bought a book to help them with. But with Sawyer it’s way different for a few reasons; the first being being that I have never been a young boy. Of course, Sawyer’s dad is in his life and he can talk to him about his body and the changes that are going on. But he doesn’t live with us, so when Sawyer asks me about certain things, I don’t know what to say- not only because I’ve never been a young boy, but also because even though his body is 11 years old, his mind is still a couple of years behind. Sawyer is still very immature in some ways, so I don’t always know how to explain things so he can understand them. I bought him a couple of books to help explain things in a way he can understand, but he doesn’t seem to be interested in reading them at all. However, he’s starting to hear things at school and online, and he often comes to me with questions.

Recently Sawyer told Emily and me a joke in the car. At first it seemed innocent, but as he got to the punchline, Emily realized it was a dirty joke she’d heard before and stopped him before he blurted it out. I had never heard the joke before, so Emily explained it to me, and then we both laughed and said “No, Sawyer- you can’t tell that joke!” Of course, he wanted to know why. Emily and I both looked at each other uncomfortably; we didn’t know how to explain the sexual punchline to a little boy who still loves to watch “Bluey” and Numberblocks. When I explained that it has to do with private parts, he blushed and said “OH!” Later when Emily tried to get him to tell his dad the joke, he refused; he was embarrassed by it.

This fall, Sawyer moves up to middle school, and he has already told me he’s nervous about it. He likes elementary school, and he is sad to be leaving it behind. Elementary school is familiar, and he knows all the teachers and what to expect; middle school will be a whole new world for him, and he’s scared. To be honest, I’m pretty nervous, too. I know what the boys in my grade were like when I was in middle school, and today’s kids are way more advanced than we were, growing up in the 90’s; they are exposed to so much more than we were, so there’s no telling what Sawyer might see or hear about from his friends or other kids.

So what do you do when your child’s body is changing at a faster rate than their mind, and their peers are all getting into much more mature interests while your child’s interests stay the same? I don’t know the answer to that, but it makes me worry for the future. I know Sawyer has to grow up, and I’ve looked forward to watching my sweet little boy grow up into a young man, but now my mind is filled with worries and questions that I wasn’t prepared for. Sawyer has always been extremely smart; I’ve never worried about how well he’d do academically compared to his peers. But I do worry about his maturity level and how that will affect him as he ages. I have fought hard for years for him to be included and not to be left behind, but as his friends at school start getting crushes on girls and play games like “Call of Duty”, he still thinks being anything but friends with a girl is gross and cries if he misses the bus or leaves his homework at home. What if his mind never ages much further past that of a 9 or 10 year old boy? I want him to fit in with his peers. I want him to have real friends and experience all the normal milestones for a boy as he grows up, but I also want to avoid chasing his sweet innocence away; Sawyer’s sensitivity is a big part of who he is. I don’t want him to think it’s weird or bad for him to like the things he likes and enjoy doing the things he loves, and I have never taught any of my kids that it’s not ok to cry or show emotion; I’m not about to start now. However, I also don’t want my son to be the one that’s made fun of or left out because he’s different. It’s a fine line that special needs parents walk. I don’t know how much further down this line I’ll have to go, but I guess it’s just another bridge I’ll cross when I get there.